Have you ever been in a difficult
negotiation where you did something or reacted to something in the heat of the
moment and regretted it not long after? Perhaps you overreacted and said
something or did something that was absolutely irrational? Later on you and
those around you wondered what had just happened. The consequences might have
been terrible, a missed opportunity perhaps?
You were hijacked by your emotions and
reacted in an irrational outburst. Such outbursts can have substantial damage
to your reputation, career and negotiation outcome. It is therefore important
to understand what is occurring to our brains in these situations and how to be
in charge of these amygdala hijacks.
The term ‘amygdala hijack’ was created by Daniel
Goleman who has written many books on emotional intelligence. The emotional
part of our brain is the amygdala where our fight or flight response resides.
When we are under threat our body is flooded with stress hormones and the
amygdala reacts in an irrational manner to the stress and threat. Our frontal
lobes are there to work against these reactions but often the amygdala responds
first before the frontal lobe can intervene. Our survival mechanism makes us
react first before it reaches our rational brain to evaluate it hence we cannot
think clearly when we are emotionally stressed or overwhelmed.
There is a correlation between lack of
oxygen and blood in the prefrontal cortex and the ability to think clearly.
When we are under emotional stress the amygdala is more active meaning that
there is more blood an oxygen going through depriving the rational part of the
brain of blood and oxygen which disrupts our rational thinking and the capacity
to think clearly.
Here
are some famous amygdala hijacks:
In the US Open Finals in 2018, Tennis Serena
Williams received several code violations and lost to Naomi Osaka. Williams
unleashed a rant on Carlos Ramos the umpire by calling him a thief. She later
defended what she did.
Consequence: She got fined US$ 17.000
During a boxing match in 1993 Mike Tyson
bit Evander Holyfield’s ear in a rant.
Consequence: 3 million $ fine and loss of
boxing license
During the 2006 Soccer World Cup finals,
Italy versus France, Zidane lost control and head butted Materazzi.
Consequence: France lost the World Cup,
Zidane’s career ended in shame.
How
to not let the amygdala hijack you ever again
Self-awareness
You need to be highly self-aware. That
means that you need to understand how you react in certain situations; what
sets you off; how do you deal with stressful situations and how do you react.
Self-awareness is the key to being in
charge of yourself. You need to be in charge of your emotions, reactions, and
your verbal and non- verbal communication.
Why
reacting is so dangerous:
The other party wants you to react and lose
your objectivity. They are trying to throw you off balance. But if you react to
it you just enter the unproductive cycle of action and reaction.
You can break this cycle by not reacting.
If you defend yourself or counterattack you only add fuel to the fire. Instead
don’t react, stay calm and once the other party is done with letting off steam
move on.
This is of course difficult and requires a
lot of self-discipline. So keep your eye on the prize which is an agreement
that satisfies your interests and that is better than your BATNA.
How
do we stick to self-discipline?
See through the game and recognize the
tactics and don’t react to it. Don’t take it personal, in other words don’t
give a damn!
Take a time out whether it is for 5 minutes
or a few days. A time out gives both parties a chance to cool off and to clear
their heads. Time outs are highly appropriate in any negotiation. They give
both parties some space and the opportunity to re-evaluate the situation.
Don’t
get mad or even
When faced with a difficult person all we
want to do is react. Reacting is a mistake, you need to control your behaviours
by understanding how you react in such situations. Suspend your natural
reaction. Take a time out and consider your options including your BATNA.
Being a skilled negotiator requires an understanding to one’s own emotions and the ability to relate affirmatively to the emotions
of others. That insight has driven much of the work in the field of emotional
intelligence. The psychologist Daniel Goleman has done a lot of work and
research on emotional intelligence and built on the definition of emotional
intelligence as “the ability to monitor one’s own and others’ feelings and
emotions, to discriminate among them and to use this information to guide one’s
thinking and actions.” Specifically, emotionally intelligent people have the
capacity to:
Understand your own emotions and how you
react to certain situations.
#amygdalahijack
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